The Rules of Facebook and Instagram

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Just about everybody with a computer or a smartphone uses social media in one form or another. Whether it’s Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Youtube, etc. And in this day and age, we’re all just a bunch of shallow, conceited pricks who want the world to see how awesome we are (or at least how we seem like we are.)

Thus here are a never ending list of rules one should strive to follow, lest they be seen as jerkoffs with no common sense or self-awareness. I’ve added to this for a while now and I know there are plenty others that can make the list but this is good enough.

The Rules of Social Media (shortened to The Rules)

Facebook

  1. Always like your friends’ profile picture. Even if you think they look a little silly and the lighting’s terrible and their arm’s bent weirdly.
    1. b) Posting a comment as well is an added bonus!
  2. Wish people Happy Birthday and if you’re especially close, post a photo of you two looking hilarious and/or adorable so everyone knows you guys are such awesome friends. Make sure the caption includes lots of gushing and emojis.
  3. Don’t you dare post spoilers of TV shows or movies without a “spoiler alert” attached. Sport games are a grey area but in general, ones that are commonly popular and are live on TV can be given a free pass.
  4. Humblebragging is ridiculous. #ImtravellingaroundEuropeandyoushouldbejealous
  5. TMI’s are unnecessary and make everyone uncomfortable. Your baby learnt how to use the potty? You and your girlfriend had banging sex last night? Wow congrats! Please don’t share it with the rest of us.
  6. Pretty much any Facebook profile that’s not your legitimate name ain’t good. If you’re using your middle name for what I assume are privacy reasons, then sure I guess that’s valid. If it’s a dumb joke then you’ve gotta be either crazily weird or just stupid. [Note: This is coming from someone who had Lu-ser as their surname years back.]
  7. Avoid posting statuses too often.
  8. No seriously, please don’t put your every thought out into the world.
  9. Don’t like your own post. Or comment. Or anything.
  10. If you choose a profile photo that includes other people, please make sure it flatters them too. Avoid tunnel vision on just how amazing you look in it.
  11. Political/topical rants will guarantee an argument in the comment section so it’s best to just avoid angry posts typed up when you’re feeling extra passionate about some sort of injustice.
  12. No chain letters of any sort.
  13. Absolutely do not post that status about how Facebook’s policies are changing and this is your way of saying you don’t agree to giving your permission etc.
    Better safe than sorry!
    Please don’t be that dumb.
  14. I swear to god, if you write up a vague status about something or someone that’s bothering you, I will hunt you down and pelt chill pills at your face. (Also known as vaguebooking and we pray it’s only used by angsty teens who don’t know better.)
    13. b) Vaguebooking about “awesome news!” is still bad.
  15. Game invites that spam your notifications are annoying. Please, I don’t want to farm anything but I’m happy for you and your new, promising career.
  16. Long essays on how important your significant other is to you and all your inside jokes and how much you love each other, along with mushy selfies, a thousand emojis, and so very much detail about your dating history should be avoided.
    Note: I feel like this is a case of if it happened to me, I’d think it was really sweet but everyone else makes me want to barf.
  17. Do not overflow your profile with baby/dog/cat photos. We get it, they’re cute AF but we have limits, you know.
  18. If you have been unwittingly sucked into a pyramid scheme (or perhaps a reverse funnel system,) try not to annoy the crap out of all your friends by constantly marketing whatever you’re selling.
    18. b) Actually, just don’t join a pyramid scheme.
  19. Don’t share a profile with a significant other. This is only acceptable if you’re a cute elderly couple who don’t understand technology so this is their simple solution, in which case it’s beyond adorable.
  20. Tagging your friends in memes is basically all Facebook is for these days so go and like as many funny pages as you can so you can go tag-crazy.
  21. Facebook stalking is a common skill to have now so make sure your privacy settings are decently set unless you want complete strangers trawling through your statuses from 2008.
  22. If you accidentally like a photo of someone from 7 years ago, panic, delete your Facebook, and throw your laptop into a river.

Instagram

  1. Fishing for compliments. Don’t do it.
  2. Do not spam photos. Most people don’t post every day. If you do, one per day is great. Possibly two if it’s necessary. Any more and people will just scroll right past.
  3. There’s no need to hashtag things like #happy #fun #love #girl #boy
  4. Stick to a theme for Christ’s sake. It makes your Insta look so much more likeable.
  5. Girls, post lots of selfies and photos of yourself to get those followers up. (In more ways than one if you know what I mean. Ew.)
  6. It’s perfectly normal to start stalking that guy you like and end up twelve accounts deep into what you think was his ex’s sister’s boyfriend’s best friend’s tattoo artist.
  7. Photos taken with flash rarely look good and are only acceptable if it’s a night out group shot and the last resort.
  8. Again, we love your baby/dog/cat/pet rock/dinosaur but you really can’t post them all the time!
  9. Posting those text images of how you’re so relateable cause you love pizza and watching netflix at home is highly encouraged to appeal to the masses. Omg you’re so down to earth!
  10. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. And that means the dreaded standing-on-the-chair for the overhead food photo. Hold your chin up high and hold those apologies back – the final photo will be worth it.
  11. Do not pester your friends about which of your photos is “insta-worthy.”
    b) Do not spend twenty minutes getting them to help you with a caption.
    c) Do not hound them about which hashtags to use.
    d) Do not then yell at them to go like it immediately.
  12. If you ever travel to Europe, your Instagram photos will inevitably, without fail, improve in both quality and art.
  13. Throwbacks are not just for Thursdays anymore, yay!
  14. Don’t know if you should use Snapchat or Instagram stories? Yeah me neither.
  15. Don’t post tons of photos with your significant other with a sweet aww-inducing caption and cute emojis and #bestfriend #iloveyou #myheart. (I’m not jealous at all.)
  16. Not everything is squad goals or relationship goals or life goals. Chill it with the goals.
  17. If you also accidentally heart someone’s Instagram photo from months ago, chuck your phone into a large body of water far far away, without hesitation.

The Rules apply to everyone – except celebrities who just do whatever the hell they want. They are the only exception.

I don’t use Twitter or Snapchat so I can’t confidently comment on any faux pas over there but if I ever do, I’ll be sure to make a Part 2 on this topic. I’m sure it’ll be as equally snarky as this one.

balmoralrocks

The millenials’ generation constantly faces scrutiny and harsh judgements for all sorts of things that they’re apparently doing wrong. We pull out our phones and take photos constantly and video every moment of our lives. We share too much on Facebook and are the reason why cyberbullying is now a thing. We spend our lives in front of a computer or staring down at a phone screen, yet are expected to fix anything technology-related on cue because our folks don’t know how to google solutions. In any case, Facebook and Instagram are great outlets for creativity and sharing your life with the people you care about. Just don’t overdo it.

Disclaimer: I am guilty of most, if not all of the above actions. This is purely a light-hearted post to poke fun at our culture these days about social media. Some of the points on the list are serious and what I like to assume are “common sense” kind of rules. Others are more about poking fun at our generation and how we use the internet as a large curtainless window for people to peek into our lives.

Since I’m not a Gen X-er, I can’t tell you to get off my lawn with the right amount of conviction but if you don’t get outta here, I will start throwing shade.

#imsocool #likeforlike #slay

fish green

Kassfish

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