Stuck in Routine

jeju hike

I don’t like being out of my comfort zone. I do like trying new things but it’s generally the idea of trying something different that appeals to me. Actually getting up and putting it in action inadvertently ends up feeling too tiring and/or overwhelming for me and I end up giving up more often than not. I’d love to be the kind of person that takes life by the horns and seeks adventure and living to the fullest. But is that really me or just what I daydream about?

I’m an introvert and always will be. Spending time with people is fun sometimes but exhausting as well, as I know many others can attest to feeling the same way too. If they’re strangers or people I don’t know well, it’s occasionally enjoyable except mostly just me freaking out internally. The best thing after a day out is kicking off my shoes and collapsing on the bed, not needing to think about what words to say and just being able to relax my whole body from head to toe. It stays quite tense when I’m in situations that really emphasise my social anxiety. I’ve spent so much time just by myself at home, where I feel comfortable and safe. There was a period in my life where the thought of even stepping outside of the house was inconsolably difficult. I wanted to go take a walk outside and meet people and find places to go to because that’s what everyone else does, but I felt so withdrawn that my only accomplishment every day was getting out of bed in the morning.

There’s no one to blame but myself for letting me create this bubble that I constantly retreat to. It’s like having a childhood teddy bear or blanket to curl up to sleep with. I grew out of that many years ago, as most others do. Despite that, I did go through something in the past week that damaged me emotionally for a few days and nights straight. During this period, I spent most of my time in bed and I’ll openly admit I took out my old soft toy that I adored, from its storage space and held it to sleep at night. I’m scared of a lot of things – I’ve written about Three of my Fears before, but this fear of not being able to stay comfortable forever, is more emotional and personal. It attacks an innate part of my personality and the voice of reason in my head knows it shouldn’t be there and to be a better person, one needs to try new things and be open to change.

sydneyvivid

An example of me trying something different is going on a hiking trail. I get excited about taking a hike somewhere beautiful, where the sunlight shines through the amazing greenery and ripples on the waves along the ocean or lake or sea. During the hike, I struggle to cope with the strain it puts on my unfit body, and I tend to (desperately) need breaks to catch my breath. At this point, I feel unmotivated and regretful and like I made a terrible mistake assuming I could handle it. And of course this stretches on for quite a period of time cause you know, hikes are long y’all. However, once the hike is finished and we reach the summit or the end of the path, there’s that clear sense of accomplishment and victory. I’m all sweaty and my legs ache and I don’t think my face has ever been this red and puffy before… but I did it! There’s so much pride and happiness. Then I go through this whole process again with the next hiking adventure!

So I think about all the things on my never-ending bucket list and every so often ruminate on how great doing all the things on it would be. Skydive? Fly a kite? Order one of everything from a food menu? Maybe one day I’ll do every single thing on that list. There are some I’m unlikely to ever tick off because some are pretty damn pricey and unattainable. I mean, how can I possibly fly in a jet someday or buy a sky writing message!?

I’m not saying routine is completely bad. It provides structure to life and there are just some things that have to be done on a regular basis. It’s nice not needing to stress about what to do for the rest of the day/week. My routine in its most general sense is typically something like work, boyfriend, family, home – on repeat. But I’m happy with it! There are some things I’m going to try to work on; I know I can improve my way of life and take the initiative to grow as a person. Everything just takes its own time.

fish green

Kassfish

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